i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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