My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
