Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
