Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
