girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
