are you still at the devil's house?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
