Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
