If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
