Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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