There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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