Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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