My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
