Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
