The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
