i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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