i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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