This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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