I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
