Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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