I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
