I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
