Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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