guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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