Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
