ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
