I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
