I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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