I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved