I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just threw up on my dentist
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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