Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
