i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
