So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
