Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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