i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
