I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
