dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
