I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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