what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
