He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
