whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
