my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All I want is dick and wine.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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