I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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