Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
