I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
