got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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