I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
