sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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