had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
