get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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