so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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