did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
