My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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