Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He felt like a one man threesome
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
