apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
