Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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