My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
