Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
