Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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