TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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