Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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